Just writing what’s on my heart. Nothing specific. Just free-styling. I’m going through a self-healing phase where I need to get all my demons out in the open. I remember a time when I used to be such a private person. Where I would rather let things eat me up inside instead of talk about them. I won’t say that now I am an open book, but some of the things I write about now I would have NEVER shared before.
I guess It’s just that time for me to cleanse myself of my own pain. Come to terms with who I am as a person. Be real with myself. Be honest with who I truly am and stop trying to be someone I’m not. It’s not easy for someone like me to be vulnerable. It’s not natural for me. I used to feel as though If I am vulnerable, people will see me as weak. But now, I could care less what people think about me.
I know that I’m definitely not a weak person. From dealing with physical/mental/emotional/verbal abuse from my family and from previous relationships and for me to make it out alive, it definitely shows that I’m not weak. From going from being suicidal to being able to just deal with my problems instead of run from them is a big improvement. From being on my own since 16 and having to do what I had to do to survive is definitely not the definition of a “weak” person.
I’ve been through hell and back in my life. But who hasn’t? Sometimes it feels like you are all alone. Like you are the only person dealing with things. That’s how it feels until you meet other people who are going through the same exact things. It feels like being in love all by yourself with the person you love but they don’t feel the same way. I don’t know any other way to be but real. I don’t know how to sugarcoat things. I may hide my past, but I definitely cannot deny it, ignore it, or forget it.
The reason? Well because it haunts me. The memories of the things that have happened to me and the things I’ve done keep replaying in my mind over and over again like a mind movie. I’ve forgiven myself a thousand times, only for the wound to be triggered by something and the relapse starts over again. There’s so much pain in my heart. Anger. I release it, but then it starts to grow again. It’s like a bond fire slowly emerging from the wood.
So what do I do? I retreat. I sabotage myself. I sabotage anything good because apart of me feels like I don’t deserve it. Apart of me doesn’t feel worthy. I don’t care how many affirmations I say, the truth of the matter is, it’s starting not to work anymore. It’s starting to become hard for me to keep it together. I wonder if this is apart of my ascension?
To work through my demons, my skeletons, my pain, my hurt. To share it with others to feel a sense of relief? I have no other way to share what I’ve been through with others besides writing it. Because writing is my therapy. So I’m officially in session. So for the next few days, you might read some things that may shock you. It may disturb you. It may make you cry. It’s just my way of detoxing myself of the pain that’s in my heart.
I can only be true. I can only be real. That’s what I’m going to do. To get better. To feel better. To be better. I don’t know any other way.
Thank you for reading.
Love & light